No matter how pregnant a girl might look, always make sure she is actually pregnant and not just disproportionate and overweight before asking about the due date.

Never cook bacon while wearing no pants.  The bacon fat splatters everywhere, and there is nothing funny about getting grease burns on your penis.

Don't microwave eggs.  They explode.

Never assume a fire will "put itself out".

"One size fits all" is a lie.

Don't ask my Afghani friends about their local sports anymore.  Buzkashi sounds like it is even more confusing than cricket.

Rabbits and hares are different animals.  The differences between them pretty much boil down to bunnies being friendly and cute, and hares are being stick eating jerks.

Sweet and sweat are different words.

Not all of life's problems can be solved with a hammer.

Punching a broken lawnmower probably won't help fix it.

Do not try to lean on doors that are already open.

Officer Sanchez does not like it when you accidentally call him Officer Dirty Sanchez.

Don't sit on empty fish tanks.  They will break.

When trying to diagnose problems with electronics never touch black and red wires together.

Do not fall asleep after missing my mouth with the toothbrush and accidentally brushing my cheek.  The toothpaste will burn my face (look it up)!!

TSA agents do not have a sense of humor.  Telling them that "my sister's remains" are in my guitar case won't make them laugh.  It will only waste both of our time.

Bleach is not a good substitute for laundry detergent.

Sledding down a flight of stairs like in Home Alone doesn't work as well if you don't have a door at the bottom to slide out.

While lighting a shot of alcohol on fire may look cool, if you try to drink it immediately after extinguishing the flames is will not be cool.

When accidentally dropping a knife, do not try to keep it from being bent or dented by the hard floor by blocking it's fall with my foot.

While a cup of soy sauce may look like cola, it does not taste like cola.

The iphone's auto-spell will change "viber" to "boner".  Proof read messages more carefully before sending them to my family.

Jokingly telling your child that you will trade them for a PS3 if they are naughty will only end in tears.  Children don't find find any humor in being traded to slavery for electronics.

In countries where people drive on the left, make sure to look right before walking out into the street to keep from getting attacked by a bus!

Be more careful when resting cleaning supplies by wide open 25th floor windows.  Also, remember to buy a new bottle of kitchen cleaner.

Remember how to say "pearl milk tea" when ordering drinks in cantonese.  I'm tired of being laughed at for ordering "bathroom milk tea".

Pay attention when grabbing squeeze bottles from the fridge.  Ketchup milk is not nearly as good as chocolate milk.

Having too many condiments on the table can get confusing.  As luck would have it, french fries taste surprisingly good covered in sugar!

Ear drops are not the same as eye drops.

My recipe said to cook for 10 minutes at 350 degrees.  I didn't take into consideration that ovens in Australia are in Celsius.  My cookies are ruined.

I shouldn't have eaten that purple paste on the table.  I thought it was jelly that fell out of my sandwich.  It was not.